before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
