I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize