The best revenge is premature balding
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
