i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
