don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize