you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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