the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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