omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Actions speak louder than pants.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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