i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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