I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize