if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
