Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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