Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
