good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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