Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
You've changed since you got that strap on
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
