I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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