If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
