I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
