I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
