I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
