remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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