SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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