the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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