Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
