Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
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