dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just invented taco cereal.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
