3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
