There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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