wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
