u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
