I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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