just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
