Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
