I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
