mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Randomize
