they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
