4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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