You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
