I hate your face
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
