i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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