guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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