I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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