alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
