I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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