This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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