He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
