i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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