I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
