im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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