yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
