she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
