I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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