Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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