I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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