So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I intend to get homeless drunk
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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