So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
