then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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