I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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