Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Two words: nipple clamps
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