Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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