There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize