you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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